


it's nice to have a friend

by penceypansy



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Based on a Taylor Swift Song, F/F, Katya Zamolodchikova - Freeform, Lesbian Katya Zamolodchikova, Lesbian Trixie Mattel, Lesbians, Repressed Feelings, Trixie - Freeform, Trixie Mattel - Freeform, a bit sad but not that bad, editing is hard, katya - Freeform, lol, oh theyre both girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-25 20:47:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21711697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penceypansy/pseuds/penceypansy
Summary: Katya went to college, Trixie didn’t leave their small town. Neither of them are happy.So I listened to "it's nice to have a friend" by Taylor Swift and you can't tell me it's not about lesbians so then this happened.
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	it's nice to have a friend

**Author's Note:**

> I'd recommend listening to the song to hear the lyrics but you don't have to.
> 
> It's slightly angsty small town lesbian stuff but it's not like traumatic or anything I hope. It's not edited because I'm illiterate so apologies if the tenses are weird and I've never posted on here before so I'm not sure how to format lol. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It’s nice to have a friend.

The party is pounding and Trixie pushes into the kitchen to grab another beer. She never drank the last one but it’s warm and flat now and she thinks she’d like the feel of something cold against her skin. It’s too hot in the house even with the patio doors wide open and the crowd spilling into the backyard. It’s the last party of the summer, just before the leaves start to change and everyone in the house disperses back to their respective college campuses. Not Trixie though. She’ll go back to work on Monday at the office and maybe practise a lasagne again after work. Her grandma reckons she should have at least a handful of recipes down before the wedding. She doesn’t really understand why he can’t cook for himself, especially since he’ll only be home twice a year with nothing much else to do. A kid bumps into her and smiles an apology, she recognises him from high school biology. He hasn’t changed much, still young and fresh faced. Although she figures that she hasn’t changed much either, they’re all still kids after all. The weight on her left hand didn’t age her like she thought it would. 

The morning after the proposal she thought she’d wake up feeling different, complete, happy, or at the very least ready. But all she could think about was telling Katya and how much she didn’t want to do it. She could have waited; within a few days her own mother would have spread it enough that it would make its way through to Katya’s mother and eventually to Katya herself. Or maybe she would have seen the pictures of the ring that Trixie was tagged in on Instagram, although she was still pretending to have forgotten her password to avoid having to post one of her own. But that wasn’t fair. You’re supposed to want to tell your best friend everything, she should have been excited to tell Katya. They should have been squealing down the phone and planning the wedding together. Trixie would want to know if Katya got engaged. The thought made her stomach turn. 

So she texted Katya, “I’ve got good news, ring me?” And within seconds a picture of the two of them at senior prom was flashing across the screen. 

“Me too,” Katya opened with.

“Huh?”

“You said you had good news? Well me too.” Trixie could hear the smile in her voice.

“Oh right, what’s yours?” Trixie didn’t want to say it. Wanted to live in this version of the world where Katya didn’t know for a while longer.

“No, you said it first, so you have to go first.” There’s rustling on the other end of the line.

“Where are you? It’s noisy?” Trixie stalled.

“That’s kind of part of the news. What are you waiting for? Am I supposed to guess? Hmm, you’ve won the lottery? Or you’re in the running for a Nobel peace prize? Oh hang on, duh, you’re pregnant?” She’s laughing, Trixie swallows.

“Um, not quite. I’m engaged.”

Katya swallowed hard, “That’s good news?” It was flat.

“Yeah, it is.” It didn’t come out as confident as she would have liked. “What’s your news?”

“I submitted my final assignment of the year and I’m coming home early.”

Trixie wasn’t ready to see her just yet. Telling her over the phone was one thing but seeing her face was another. “Oh wow, well done. When are you coming back?”

“Um, like now? Well in about three hours, I’m on the train.”

Trixie bit her lip, “Oh shit, I’d pick you up but I’m going to have to run into work. If I’d known I would have cleared it-“

“Oh no it’s fine, my mom is picking me up anyway. We were going to come round tonight to see you, to surprise you but, yeah, you know now. So bit of a shit surprise.”

“Was it?”

“What?”

“Nothing,” Trixie sighed, “Does my mom know then, was she expecting you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know, I’m pretty tired now. My mom might just want to hang out instead.” She sounds cool, she always does, Trixie can normally tell how she’s feeling but it’s harder over the phone. It’s been harder in general since she’s been in Boston and it’s not just the geographical distance.

“Oh, yeah no worries. I mean my mom will be looking forward to seeing you. She’s been pretty lost since Ben went back. I think she missed having someone else’s kid to fuss over.”

“Yeah,” Katya sounded so far away it was hard to believe she was hurtling towards Trixie at 100 miles an hour. She’s quiet when she asks, “When was it?”

She could play dumb, but Trixie knew what she meant. “Only two nights ago, at the bus station just before he went back.”

“Congratulations Trixie. If you’re happy, if it’s going to make you happy.” There’s no malice in Katya’s voice. 

“Thanks.”

“Are you happy?”

And that’s the question that had kept her awake the last two nights. The one that she’s trying to push out of her head since convincing herself that the answer is “Yes” doesn’t seem to be working.

“Oh Kat, you’re breaking up. Are you going through a tunnel?”

Trixie hung up.

Katya didn’t ring back.

-

“Can we toast to my beautiful daughter everyone!” Pat tapped on her champagne flute with her fork silencing the table. It’s filled with orange juice, same as Katya’s, out of solidarity. “To graduating her second year of college! Next year is when it gets hard missus but we know you can do it!”

“Cheers” echoes around the table and Katya looks like she’s not sure she can. To be honest neither is Trixie. She’s supposed to support her best friend no matter what, and she does, but there definitely was a point last year when she’d picked up the phone to Katya slurring or crying down the line too often to want to answer it again. And she wishes sometimes that she hadn’t answered it that last night, when she had to listen to Katya sobbing and disorientated, listen to her breathing slowing and the sirens down the line when the ambulances arrived. She still dreams about it sometimes but they don’t talk about it. She knows that Katya’s embarrassed, that it must have been hard accepting that this was more than college partying and having to move out of your dorm and in with your Aunt near campus can’t have been fun. No 20 year old wants a babysitter. Katya catches Trixie staring at her and crosses her eyes making Trixie smile.

“Well done Katya! I’d also like to make a toast to my baby girl,” Trixie’s mom raises her glass, “Show us all your ring darling! I won’t lie it was quite a surprise when she brought Benjamin home to meet us but I guess she was waiting for The One. He’s a lovely young man and it’s a shame he’s not here tonight but you’ll all get to meet him properly at the wedding!” 

Glasses clink together with squeals from Pat and Trixie’s Aunt. Her mom tries to catch Trixie’s eye across the table but she pretends not to notice until her mom clears her throat again, “Trixie dear, haven’t you got something to ask Katya while we’re all here?”

“Um,” Trixie glances at Katya who cocks her head eyebrows raised like it’s a challenge. But there’s no malice in her eyes, if anything its teasing and reminds her of how they used to wind each other up in school.  
\---  
Trixie was playing alone with the dolls the first time her and Katya had met. She was fairly popular for a seven year old, cute and blonde with little pigtails tied in pink ribbon. There were plenty of girls who wanted to play with her and sit with her at lunch but when it came to dolls she was very particular. Other kids were rough, tangled their hair and left them discarded in various states of undress when they were done playing with them. On the third day of snow in a row Trixie had found herself a little corner in the classroom spend playtime since she’d lost her gloves and wasn’t allowed outside. She was deep in concentration untangling a Barbie’s hair with a doll-sized brush when someone sat down next to her. The girl was also blond but where Trixie had pigtails she had a birds nest.  
“Can I play?”

Her skin was pale with her nose bright red from the snow outside. She was smaller than Trixie and that made her immediately suspicious, “How old are you?”

“I’m eight in three weeks,” The girl said holding up three fingers in Trixie’s face.

“Oh. You’re short. I’m not playing a game I’m doing their hair so it’s not knotty.”

“Oh, that doesn’t seem like much fun. But I’ll help you anyway if you want.” 

Trixie looks pointedly at the girl’s own mess of hair, “Okay, but you have to do it just like me.”

“Okay! Hey, what’s your name?” The girl asks picking up a Barbie.

“Beatrix. But everyone calls me Trixie. What’s yours?”

“Yekaterina. But everyone calls me Katya. And you can also call me Kat if you want. But not all the time, only sometimes.” Katya says very seriously.

“Okay. Hey, don’t pull too hard you’ll hurt her!”

They sit in silent concentration until Katya sets her doll down. “I’m bored now. Do you want to go play in the snow?”

Trixie looks up, “Um no, I’m not allowed. I’ve lost my gloves so Miss said I’ve got to stay inside today.”

“Oh. Well I’m going to go back out. I’ll see you later Trixie!”

She doesn’t see the girl again until the final bell rings and she’s getting her bags out of the cloakroom and Katya bounces up to her.

“Trixie! Do you want to come round to my house for tea? My brother just got a PlayStation and I’m allowed to play on it before he gets home from big school.”

“Yeah, that’s so cool!” Trixie grins before remembering, “Oh wait I lost my gloves.” She says sadly.

“That doesn’t matter,” Katya answers, “You can have one of mine, just put both your hands inside it like a muff.”  
And that was the start of a weekly tradition of play dates.  
\---  
The nostalgia makes her stomach turn. “I was going to ask later but I guess I’d better do it now. I was basically just going to see if you wanted to be my maid of honour? I mean I get that you’re busy with college but you wouldn’t really have to do much-“

Pat cuts her off, “Aw Trixie you won’t be able to pull together a wedding in a year, Katya will have graduated by then! That’s so lovely, you’d love to wouldn’t you Kat?”

“Yeah.” Katya says seriously and Trixie searches her face for some clue as to what she’s really thinking.

“Really?”

Trixie’s mom shares a glance with Pat across the table, “What’s the matter with you Trixie. You two used to talk about getting married all the time.” Trixie’s mom laughs. And yeah, that’s one of the problems. 

“No seriously, it’ll be fun,” Katya smiles at her. “I mean as long as you do all the work. I’ll show up for the food and I can’t promise a great speech.”

The whole table laughs and the noisy chat resumes but she can’t shake the awkward feeling. Or meet Katya’s eyes for the rest of the evening, and she leaves without saying goodbye.

\---

When they were twelve Katya showed up to school in bright red lipstick. Trixie wondered how on earth she’d snuck past her mom and made it all the way to class without being caught but obviously the teacher spotted it. She paused taking roll call to tut and send her to the principles office. Katya must have been embarrassed to be called out in front of a laughing class of pre-teens but she barely let it show. Trixie could tell though. She ripped out a page of her notebook, scribbled a “I think it looks nice” and signed it with a heart and a “T” before folding it into a tiny piece and slipping it into Katya’s hand as she was frogmarched past. Trixie didn't know if Katya had ever read the note. The lipstick disappeared for a few years until they were about 16 and by then Trixie was struggling to think of much else apart from Katya’s lips.

\---

She takes her beer and wanders upstairs. She sees the door to the loft and prays that there’s another one that’ll lead her up to the roof. She pushes past the crowds and sure enough makes it up onto the top of the house. At least something’s going right. It’s a clear night and she can see the stars as well as the lights of the houses sprawling through the town. In theory she knows she can probably see her house and therefore Katya’s down the street but she doesn’t know which way to look, never was great at geography in school. 

She wasn’t good at much apart from keeping her hair toned and smooth, her nails painted pink and her notes clean and underlined in pastel highlighters. Katya’s notes were always a mess, no notebook just loose leaf folded together. Yet when it came to tests she always breezed through them, an all A student. Trixie tried, she really did, studied a hundred times harder than Katya ever did but nothing seemed to stick in her brain the same. Katya tried to help her, they did their homework together and she explained the bits that Trixie couldn’t rap her head around. More often than not though, once Trixie had frustrated herself almost to tears, they ended up on the roof, watching the neighbours returning from work in their cars, looking like toys from the bird’s eye view.

“I can’t wait to leave here,” Katya sighed one such evening.

“Why?” Trixie asked not taking her eyes off the blue Mazda that had pulled into the house opposite. 

“It’s so depressing. All these houses are the same. Husband and wife that are bored of each other, shitty kids, maybe a dog. Do you think they wanted that when they were our age?”

Trixie huffs through her nose, “I think it’s sweet.”

“Seriously?”

She turns her head to look at Katya, “What? It’s nice to know that there’s the same person there every day when you get home from work. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a couple of kids and a nice house.”

Katya rolls her eyes in the dying light, the little braid that Trixie had done the day before tucked behind her ear, “Well I’m going to move to Boston and get an apartment. And I can have parties and friends round all the time. And you can come and stay but you can’t bring your boring kids. I don’t want to be bored, Trixie.”

“Is that what I am then- Boring?” Trixie asks flatly. “Because it’s alright for you, you’ll get to go to college and meet all these new people. I don’t know if I’ll even get into cosmetology school. I’m going to be stuck here whether I like it or not so I might as well make the best of it.” She hopes Katya can’t hear the tremor in her voice.

“So what, you don’t get into school and you just throw away the rest of your life? You’re better than that Trixie.” Katya snaps and she can’t tell if that’s any better than pity.

“Shut up. You have no idea what it’s like, no one in my family has ever gone to college, no one has ever left my fucking street. It’s not that easy. You really can be such a bitch sometimes, you know.” 

Katya must see the tears of frustration welling in her eyes because she doesn’t rise to the bait, just sighs and pushes her bangs out of her face.

“Trix, look at me, I’m sorry. I’m just stressed out. You make it sound like it’s easy for me but it’s getting on top of me. I won’t just pass these exams, I’m going to have to study, mom and dad have started talking like I’ve already got in but I’m not so sure. We might both end up at community college together.” She tried to crack a joke nudging Trixie.

She allows a half smile, can never stay mad at Katya for long, “Yeah, I’m stressed too. Maybe you should forget Boston and we can stay here together. I’ll get a job and you can do your paintings at home. You don’t even need art school, you’re like a proper artist already.”

Katya rolls her eyes, “Yeah sounds like a plan. You will get into school though Trixie, I know you will.”

It’s easy to believe it when Katya says it, Trixie reckons she’d believe anything she told her. Her hair looks silver in the dimming light, bangs spliced down the middle from where she’d pushed them out of her eyes, it’s late enough in the day that she’s rubbed her eyes enough times for her eyeliner to be all smudged but it seems to make her eyes look even bigger and her trade mark red lipstick has all but rubbed off. Only Trixie gets to see her like this and she thinks it’s beautiful. 

The streetlamps flicker into action around them and she feels Katya’s fingers cover hers. It’s happened a couple of times before, always in the dark, and it always makes Trixie’s heart jump wildly in her chest, but they never talk about it. She holds hands with her other girlfriends when they go to the restroom at dances and it doesn’t feel like this. Suddenly she feels ill.

She lets herself squeeze Katya’s hand once, “You’re such a good friend Kat,” and then stretches, unfolding her legs to climb down off the roof. She pauses at the hatch, “Are you coming?”

“Yeah. Trixie-,” She’s holding back, ”Just give me a second.”

\--

They see each other a few times while Katya’s home visiting. It feels like too much and not enough at the same time. Trixie still has to go to work and Katya obviously wants to spend time with her mom so there’s just not a lot of opportunity for proper one on one time, or at least that’s what Trixie tells herself. In truth the thought of being alone with Katya makes her feel ill. She thought she’d felt shame before when she’d been with Katya but that’s nothing compared to what she feels now. And it’s no longer about being with Katya, it’s about being with Ben. She feels dirty in a way she never expected, cheeks constantly burning as if everyone knows she’s a fraud and they’re all whispering about her behind her back. But it’s not true, she loves Ben.

On a Thursday evening she gets home from the office and Katya’s sat at her kitchen table watching her mom bake. She’s wearing a sweater dress that’s falling off one shoulder, hair curly now that it’s a bit longer again, piled up on top of her head. She smiles softly at Trixie when she walks in.

“Oh hi. Hiya Mom.”

“Trixie darling, I saw Katya at the gas station and I thought, well gosh we’ve barely seen her since she’s been back, so I invited her for dinner. Did you have a good day sweetheart?”

Trixie drapes her coat over the back of the chair opposite the one that Katya is sitting in, “Yeah, you know same as always. Brenda’s pregnant so she’s leaving next week and they’re not replacing her so more work for me I guess.” She shrugs.

“Oh well, a few more hours will do you good! After all you’ll be needing to save for a house and then you’ll be looking at having little ones before you know it.”

Someone walks over Trixie’s grave, she ignores it. She glances at Katya out of the corner of her eye, her gaze hasn’t moved off where she’s watching Trixie’s mom at the kitchen counter, Trixie can’t see her expression.

“Hah. God mom, give me a chance I’m only 20.” It comes out harsher than she intended but her mom just laughs.

“You girls, I had your brother when I was younger than you don’t you forget. Anyone special in your life at the moment Katya?”

And yeah, Trixie would like to know the answer to that too, not that she’d ever dare to ask.

Katya shrugs, wearing that new secret smile that Trixie can’t read anymore, “I was seeing someone for a while but, yeah, didn’t work out. Plenty more fish in the sea and all that.”

“Aw,” Trixie’s mom coos, “Bet he’ll regret letting you go. But there’ll be plenty of others. I’m so glad you let your hair grow back my love, not that you don’t have to face to carry it off, but you’ve always had such lovely hair.”

Finally Katya’s eyes dart to meet Trixie’s almost as if on instinct. She pulls a face, widening her eyes comically and Trixie can’t help but smile. Her mom keeps wittering on oblivious.

Dinner is nice, Trixie doesn’t let herself compare it to the dinners she’s had with Ben and her mother. Mostly they just talk about Katya’s schoolwork, reminisce on the old days, and gloss over Katya’s funny turn- as her mom puts it. After dinner her mom excuses herself to run an Avon brochure to a friend’s house leaving Trixie and Katya to do the washing up.

“I can do it, honestly if you have to get home,” Trixie insists scooping her hair into a ponytail.

Katya rolls her eyes, “Don’t be daft, you’ll be washing plenty of dishes once you’re wifed up, it’s the least I can do.”

Trixie drops her knife onto a plate a little harder than expected and winces at the clatter, “You’re hilarious.”

Katya purses her lips, “Yeah, bet I’m funnier than Dan.”

“His name is Ben. At least I’ve found someone who wants to be with me forever. Single again are we?” She realises she might be being too mean but she’s mad. Mad that it’s so hard to be with Katya these days, that everything is weird and wrong.

“Not my fault I keep getting lead on by straight girls.” Katya snaps straight back.

They stare each other out for a second, Trixie is seething and she knows that Katya is mad, or hurt, or something.

But it’s them, so it only lasts a minute until she sees Katya’s lip start to twitch and she can feel herself doing the same. Katya breaks completely, snorting and flicking soapy water at Trixie’s face.

“You’re a bitch,” Trixie says but she lets herself smile too and most of the weirdness she’d been feeling for the last week disappears. She takes off her ring and puts it on the windowsill. Wouldn’t want it to go down the drain.

After they’re finished she sits on the porch with Katya while she smokes and it feels like high school.

“You want one?” Katya offers the packet as she lights up her second. 

Trixie shakes her head, “Nah, Ben hates it, his nan had lung cancer or something, I don’t know.”

“Oh.” 

She needs to stop bringing him up but it feels like a safety net. “Yeah, anyway, I thought you were giving all that up?”

Katya rolls her eyes, “Not smoking. Jesus I need something to live for. Can you imagine me ever not smoking Trix?”

When they were 15 Katya went through a phase of hanging out with some girls from two years above. She was put in some special art class with older kids and spent her lunches with them too. When she finally returned to Trixie she was smoking. At first Trixie pulled her face, threatened to tell Katya’s mom and refused to sneak off campus with her so the teachers didn’t see but eventually the smell became as familiar as Katya’s perfume and she liked the way Katya’s fag ends became marked with lipstick. In an ashtray, Trixie would be able to tell which were hers. Plus it was exciting, sneaking out with Katya at lunch time no matter what the weather, huddling together for warmth in the winter or complaining and sweating in the summertime. At least the smoke kept the flies away.

“I’m going home on Saturday.” Katya says.

“You’re at home?” Trixie says, puzzled.

“Oh, you know what I meant. Back to Boston. So I might not see you for a bit now. I’ll probably spend the rest of the summer there, one of my friends works at a coffee shop and she’s put in a good word for me with the manager. I’ve not had a job since we worked at that gas station that summer, remember?”

Trixie giggles, “God yeah. At least it was air conditioned and we had each other, that was boring as shit. Although my job now is pretty dull. Would be a lot better if you were there.”

Katya sighs hard, “Yeah, Boston would be better if you were there too. The offer is always open you know, if you ever change your mind. About anything.”

It’s easier to play dumb, “Oh yeah Ben would love that! Oh, by the way I’ve moved to Boston since you’ve been gone. Hope you don’t mind.” She regrets it instantly, changes the subject, “Your friends would laugh at me anyway. Are they all as cool as you? Their instagrams are so arty it’s hard to tell what they actually look like.”

Katya stubs out her cigarette and relights straight away, laughing “Oh everyone there is a lot cooler than me don’t worry about that. They were obsessed with my hair after the scissor meltdown if that tells you anything.”

“I mean, it was definitely a look, but I like it a little longer. It wasn’t you.” She reaches out without thinking about it and twirls a loose strand of Katya’s hair around her finger. She leans her face into Trixie’s hand, as if on instinct, eyes closed, cigarette ignored. Trixie scoots a tiny bit closer on the stoop, lets herself run her thumb over Katya’s eyelid, her other hand coming up to cradle Katya’s face properly. Her eye’s flutter open and she looks exhausted, it makes Trixie’s heart pang, reminds her of how Katya looked in the hospital last year. 

“I’m so glad you’re better.” Trixie whispers.

Katya ignores it, or doesn’t hear it. “I want to kiss you.” It’s not a question thankfully because Trixie wouldn’t know how to answer.

“Katya-“

“I know.” And it hurts. So Trixie presses her lips against Katya’s, keeps her eyes open so it doesn’t feels as wrong. Katya sinks into her like the air’s been let out of her body, tries to move her mouth against Trixie’s.

“No,” She whispers, pushing back on Katya’s shoulders until they break apart. She can’t look at her right now and it seem like Katya is having the same problem, so she lets her tuck her face into her neck and strokes her hair, ignoring the wet against her collarbone, blinking back her own tears.

-

Trixie sits cross legged on the roof for a while, as if mediating, eyes closed listening to the laughing and shouting in the garden below. The skylight creaks open behind her and she turns her head to look, expecting a couple looking for privacy or someone searching for a lost friend. It’s Katya’s head that pops up.

“Kat? I thought you’d gone back to Boston.”

She crawls along the roof exaggerating the movement comically until she’s about a meter away from where Trixie is sat. “I’m going first thing in the morning, couldn’t face the train on a Saturday night. I value my sanity thank you.”

She shakes out her packet of cigarettes, “Want one?”

Trixie knows it’s just a formality at this point but she’s feeling brave. Or stupid, same thing. “Yeah, go on.”

Katya’s eyebrows shoot up but she hands over the one she’s just lit. As expected Trixie is spluttering her lungs out within seconds. Katya cackles scooting over to grab the cigarette away from Trixie’s hair.

“Fuck!” Trixie manages between coughs, “That’s awful, why would you do that?”

Katya wheezes, “Why did you do it?”

“Trying new things. Urgh, well that’s something crossed off the bucket list.”

“You’re crying! Aw baby, it’s not that bad. But it’s not good for you Trix, so I’d be mad if you started.”

Trixie wipes at her eyes, “Double standards. The amount of times I’ve asked you to stop.”

“Yeah well, we don’t always get what we want do we?”

Trixie sighed. Every time they see each other they seem to fight.

“You’ll meet someone. Hey, you’ve got a year to find a date for the wedding.”

Katya flicks her fag butt over the edge of the roof. “You’re so fucking patronising. Life doesn’t just get better once you meet someone. You’ll get your house and your kids and I hope it makes you happy but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t.”

“I’m patronising?” Trixie says incredulous, “You show up every once in a while, flaunt your apartment, your new friends. All you do is make fun of me because you’re getting your degree and I’m a fucking PA living with my mom.”

Katya splutters, “I’m a massive dyke and an even bigger disappointment. The only reason I didn’t drop out last year was because I didn’t want my mom to die of shame every time someone from here asked her how I’m getting on. Nobody thought I was going to make it, everyone’s waiting on me to fail and I can’t because I’ve got shit all to fall back on.”

Trixie gapes at her speechless, she doesn't understand how Katya could ever feels like that. She's got two parents that adore her and she's living her dream, or at the very least living away from here. Trixie would kill for that. But Katya continues, “It’s fucking humiliating coming back here, everyone from high school knows I had a thing for you. And now you’re getting your dream life and I’m the pathetic leech that everyone has to feel sorry for. You really don’t think about anyone but yourself, do you? Never have done, so I don’t know why I’m so surprised.”

Trixie could smack her, imagines how satisfying it would be to make her cry but she doesn’t. She kisses her instead. Immediately Katya is sliding onto her back on the flat roof, pulling Trixie on top of her and Trixie is bigger, she could easily resist if she wanted to, but the thought doesn’t cross her mind. Or at least she squashes it before it can take hold. It’s easier to kiss her harder, pull up her skirt until its around her waist and then her senses are assaulted with Katya. Trixie can see the beads of sweat pooling on her delicate collarbone, feel her come dripping into the palm of her hand and the heat of her own breath against Katya's skin, hear Katya's frenzied panting just inches from her ear. 

And Trixie very nearly can't handle the look on her face when she finally slips two fingers inside. Katya lets out a gasp and a whimper - far higher pitched than Trixie remembers - and Trixie feels a sudden increase in wetness between her own legs. She curves the tips of her fingers experimentally; another sudden gasp and Katya's soft ah! hits her ear in a burst of hot breath. 

“You’ve never disappointed me,” Trixie whispers and she knows it’s not the right time, that sentiments like that should be saved for a serious conversation.  
Katya just bites her lip and whimpers, pressing her hips to tilt herself more fully into Trixie's palm. 

At her whimper, Trixie increases the pace, driving almost forcefully into Katya. Fucking her, roughly. In fairness to Katya she’s a lot quieter than she was in high school, biting her lip so the rest of the party downstairs can’t hear but the music is loud enough to mask the slick sound of Trixie's fingers  
Trixie can barely hold herself together. She tries not to compare it to how it feels with Ben. It’s always nice and he’s always gentle but she can’t imagine anything other than missionary with him. And it’s nice to be on top for a change. She's overcome with the desire to claim Katya, to leave marks for her to take back to the girls in Boston. She moans aloud at the thought and Katya's soft "unh" in response galvanizes her into action. Trixie threads her fingers in Katya's hair and yanks. Hard.  
Katya comes then, with no warning.

Entirely silent, her orgasm overtakes her, eyes rolling back in her head and hips pressing down, trying to take more of Trixie's fingers, already buried to the knuckle. She recovers after a moment and cranes her neck up for Trixie to kiss her again. Trixie can’t help herself until she feels Katya’s hands creeping up her thighs.

“No, Kat. Stop it.”

Katya keeps going, “It’s your turn now.”

“No seriously,” Trixie grabs Katya’s hands and pins them down. “I don’t want you to.”

Hurt flashes across Katya’s face as she jerks away from Trixie’s grasp and sits up, “I wish you didn’t always regret it.”

Trixie sighs and sits up too, “I don’t. Okay? I’ve never regretted it, just, that was enough for me tonight.”

Curled up with her arms hugging her knees Katya looks very small and Trixie feels like a monster.

“I love you Katya, you’re my best friend-“

Katya lets out a single, “Ha.”

“I’m serious, I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but I love Ben. I really do.” She doesn’t know why she does this. It feels like mentioning him cancels out whatever has come before and she hates herself.

Katya rubs her eyes, hard. “Stop it. It’s fine. I don’t want to leave on an argument.”

“We’re not fighting-“ Trixie interjects.

“Just shut up, for once. I don’t care anymore, I just want you to be happy, with me or with him. With whoever.”

Trixie is silent at last. 

“Just promise you’ll be happy. And if you’re not, don’t do it.”

Katya leaves early the next morning, doesn’t text Trixie goodbye. But that’s fine.

-

The year flies by, before she knows it, she’s picked the venue, the dress, and she realises she couldn’t care less about the rest of it. Her mom is so excited though, she has to remind herself that it’s worth it. Ben is delayed returning home and she feels a bit sick at the fact that she doesn’t mind.

Katya didn’t come home for Christmas, and she spent the whole summer in Europe at a yoga camp, but after a few month of awkward texts it all seemed to go back to normal, the best it had been in a while in fact. The highlight of Trixie’s week was watching Katya cook in her tiny kitchen over Facetime. It’s not hard to imagine being there with her, sitting at the table telling her about her day like Ben does. But then her mom pops in to show her table cloth swatches or photographers brochures and the bubble is burst. Ben comes home twice, Trixie tries not to zone out while he’s on top of her at night.

The final pieces come together and suddenly it’s the week of the wedding. The bridal shower came and went, Trixie’s cousins fly in, some girls from school who stayed in town attend, Katya doesn’t make it but she sends flowers. She’s not supposed to make the hen night either but as Trixie is sat nursing a glass of champagne at the bar beside her mom Katya walks in.

She’s wearing a black mini dress with the shoulders cut out on top of fishnet tights, Katya doesn’t exactly blend in in their little town and Trixie can hear the other girls in her party sniggering. Maybe it’s because she’d been drinking pretty much all day but Trixie suddenly feels hot all over.

“I didn’t think you were getting here til tomorrow!” Trixie says, maybe a little too loud as Katya wraps her in a hug.

“Well I thought it was better to surprise you than to disappoint you. I got the earlier train.” Katya laughs. “I wasn’t going to miss your hen party, was I?”  
Trixie kisses her sloppily on the cheek, “Let’s get shots!”

Katya sips her Diet Coke but joins in with the dancing, laughing as Trixie and her mum twirl each other madly and her nan tries to teach them all how they did it in the 60s. It’s not the worst thing seeing girls from high school, none of them are as mean as Katya remembers but she guesses that Trixie wouldn’t still be friends with them if they were. 

Eventually the party gets smaller and smaller, Trixie’s family members go home, her work colleges don’t overstay their welcome and girls their own age blend in with the other people at the bar. Katya watches Trixie laughing with a girl she doesn’t recognise as she’s waiting for more drinks, feels weird interrupting them as she hands Trixie her fresh glass.

“I’m nipping out for a smoke,” She yells in Trixie’s ear, fighting against the music.

“Oh! I’ll come out too!” Trixie shouts back handing her drink straight over to the girl she was chatting to who takes it no complaints.

Katya just shrugs and leads the way. Outside the building both of their ears are ringing as Katya lights up, Trixie swaying as if she can still hear the music.

“I can’t actually believe you came! I didn’t think you were even going to come to the wedding, I thought you’d say your train was cancelled or something.” Trixie babbles.

“What,” Katya asks confused, “Why would I do that?”

Trixie shrugs, “You’ve been weird since the summer. Or it’s been weird between us, I don’t know. I don’t get why we can’t just be like we’ve always been.”

She sighs, smoke escaping from between her teeth, “You know why Trixie. And you know it’s not my choice.”

Trixie stops swaying, looking at Katya properly for the first time that night. Katya might have found it too intense except for the fact that her eyes are bleary from the drink and her makeup has run from a night of sweating.

“Well what do you want me to do?”

“Don’t marry him.”

Trixie’s jaw drops and she takes a step backwards, tripping on the curb and before she knows it she’s on her ass on the verge.

“Shit, you alright?” Katya squats next to her but its like a stopper has been release and Trixie bursts into floods of tears.

“Fuck, are you actually hurt?” Katya asks worried that she’s broken her ankle or something but Trixie shakes her head, gulping.

“No I’m fine.”

She doesn’t attempt getting back up, just draws her legs up to her chest and buries her face in her knees. Katya sighs and settles down next to her, beginning to untangle the plastic crown from Trixie’s hair. It started the night perched on top of her half updo but has slowly slid down. Katya figures it must be pulling on her hair and even if she can’t feel it right now, she’ll feel it in the morning. It’s the night she left for college all over again and she feels the panic rising in her throat, but she pushes it down. She’s a different person than she was back then. All the regrets ate at her for over a year, almost killed her. How much she wanted to beg Trixie to go with her. How much she wanted Trixie to beg her to stay. 

She sets the crown down on the ground next to them and Trixie lifts up her head. “What am I going to do?”

Katya looks at her, mascara in black trails down both her cheeks and nose red. She calls her bluff, it’s all she’s got left.

“I think that you’re not going to marry him. I never thought you would.”

Trixie shakes her head, “I am marrying him Kat. I have to, what else can I do? Who else is going to promise their life to me?”

For the first time in her life she’s brave. What else is there to lose.

“I’d marry you. Tomorrow instead of him, or in a year, in another lifetime. Whatever you wanted I’d do it.”

Trixie shakes her head as if trying to clear it. “You don’t know what you’re saying. I want that Katya, but it can’t happen.”

Katya wants to shake her, “Why not? Just leave with me tomorrow. It’s not hard Trixie I don’t know why you can just accept it. I know you love me even though you’re shit at showing it, you’ve broken my heart for ten years and I’d still do anything for you. Why can’t that be enough for you?”

Big tears drip off her jaw, staining her jacket with black. “I don’t know. My family- everyone in this fucking town- I can’t be as brave as you. I'm a fucking dyke because my dad left me and I'm too stupid to do anything for myself and I know that but I don't need everyone else to know too. Making this work with Ben is the only good thing I've ever done with my life.”

Katya can't seem to make her get it. “I’ve tried to hide it and I nearly died, I’m not brave I just don’t have a choice. You're none of the bad things you think about yourself but I don't think you respect yourself. Every time I see you I expect you to have changed. I don’t know what I’m doing to myself, why I keep letting you hurt me. Why I keep telling myself that you love me so it’s worth it. At the end of the day I’ll go along with whatever makes you happy but I think you’re making a massive mistake.”

Trixie lets out a shuddering breath, forcing her hand into Katya’s “I do love you. I don’t know what I’m doing or why I need this, but I do love you. I want a husband and a house and a family, I want my mom to have grandkids and for it not to matter that I couldn’t get into college or leave town or am shit at my job. But I want you too.”

Katya cups Trixie’s face in both hands forcing her to look right at her, one last ditch try, “Don’t do it. Leave with me.”

Trixie states at her helpless, “Okay.”

Katya feels like all the breath she’s been holding in since high school has been released.

“Really?”

“Yes. I mean it, it’s always been you,” Trixie smiles at her, almost shyly, and her heart skips a beat. She looks wrecked and it doesn't help her rubbing her eyes again, “But first I need to go home, I’m so tired. And I can’t leave him at the altar Kat, it’s not fair. Let me explain it to him, he deserves that. And then I’m all yours. I can't believe I've wasted all this time and I don't know why you put up with it. But I really am yours.”

Katya kisses her before she can change her mind, tasting salt and fear.

\---

The rice on the ground looked like snow as church bells echoed through the whole town. Trixie looked like an angel in her dress, Katya standing right beside her at the altar. The picture hangs above the bed immortalising the day. 

At first it made Katya uneasy but now she gets a sick kick from it in it, Ben in his wedding suit watching her fuck his wife while the real Ben is god knows where in the world, completely oblivious. It was his idea that Katya rent their spare room, all Trixie had to do was mention how weird it was living alone. When he’s back and Katya is lay in the room across the hall her skin crawls and she’s no idea how long they can keep it up but that’s a problem for another day. It’s not how she expected it would be, having Trixie, she didn’t think she’d have to share, but on a snowy weekend, barely leaving the bed, it’s not hard to pretend that they’re the only two people in the world. 

It's nice to have a friend.

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic so please leave a comment if you enjoyed or message me on Tumblr which is suckangelsdry I'm in dire need of drag fan friends xoxo


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